Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload
by Grey-X
Summary: What started as a heartless April Fools' Day joke about the release of Fusion of Destinies III will be an ongoing train wreck of a comedy tour, featuring Harry Potter and Metroid characters mercilessly ripping on each other for our amusement.
1. Valkyrie and Mother Brain

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 1: Valkyrie and Mother Brain

4-1-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for _Fusion of Destinies_ and _Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning_! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

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At first, there was nothing. Then, the camera clicked on, but all that can be seen is the close-up face of an Oriental woman with raven-black hair with five long braids. Plus, creepy eyes with indigo irises and pink, glowing sclera. The image shifted around, as if she grabbed the camera and is curiously examining it.

"Hey, is this thing on? I can't tell if this thing is on," said Valkyrie as she continues to shake the camera. "I mean, shouldn't there be SOME way to letting us know when this whole sordid affair is supposed to start? After all, how can…YEAARRRGGGHHH!"

The camera fell back onto its mount as Valkyrie crumpled. For a moment, all that could be seen is icy mist rising from where her body no doubt lay sprawled out on the floor. That, and the area the camera was shooting at seemed to be a big, white expanse of nothing. But then, someone else, steps into view. A blond woman in a white lab coat of average height, wielding a weapon not unlike the freeze guns that are standard issue for GF soldiers.

"Please, Val, the last thing Grey-X's subscribers want is _YOU_ hogging the spotlight _AGAIN_, right out of the gate," hissed Melissa Bergman, who for all intents and purposes was the new Mother Brain. Valkyrie slowly got up, using her bionic arm to brush the ice off her back as she looks daggers at Mother Brain. "Besides, I can tell the camera is transmitting a live feed, so let's get to…whatever it is we're supposed to be doing here."

Valkyrie stomped over to where Mother Brain stood, albeit with a noticeable hunch. She stood to Mother Brain's left, her glowing eyes lingering on the cyborg for a moment. "So…what ARE we supposed to be doing here?" Mother Brain asked.

"Turns out the author's got nuthin' at the moment, and since he wants to be a supreme dick on April Fools Day, he's doing some comedy routine about his own damn crossover trilogy," said Valkyrie. "So I think we're supposed to completely rip off ItsJustSomeRandomGuy's Marvel/DC videos or something. There's one schmuck from the Harry Potter universe, one from the Metroid universe, and they just rip on each other."

"Wow, I'll wager I have the toughest job among the Metroid crowd, considering the warm reception you got," said Mother Brain smugly. Valkyrie just stared at her, annoyed. "As for the…wait a minute. Why am I facing off with you?"

"Don't follow," replied Valkyrie.

"How come YOU'RE representing the Potterverse when you're just an OC? An OC accused of being a Sue to end all Sues, for that matter?" asked Mother Brain. Valkyrie looked to be more and more flustered. "On top of that, you're Phazon-powered, have access to Chozo technology, are pretty much the reincarnation of Dark Samus…"

"Well, the whole thing with a being a witch kinda files one in the Potterverse by default," said Valkyrie quickly. "Besides, I was more like Lily Potter's dark twin than another Dark Samus."

"But Lily never had anything of the sort in the books," Mother Brain pointed out, "while Dark Samus was indeed a canon Metroid vi…"

"CAN WE JUST GET STARTED ALREADY?" roared Valkyrie.

"What's the rush? Like you said, Grey-X is still blank, so you got nowhere to go for a couple more years," Mother Brain shot back. "Come to think of it, you're representing a franchise that's completely wrapped up. By the way, from the look of things…enjoy how The Hunger Games franchise is making everyone forget about the Potter craze. Guess you can enjoy watching a certain teenage trio reminisce with Bella Swan and the Cullens about the good ol' days."

"Like you can talk, after _Metroid: Other M'_s ass-reaming by critics, plus sales figures that nosedived into Tesla's old crapper," said Valkyrie. "Damnit woman, even _Sonic the Hedgehog 2006_ outsold your little boondoggle of a Metroid game."

"I wouldn't talk about critical reception if I were you," Mother Brain said calmly.

"Oh please, isn't the Mary Sue angle getting worn yet?" demanded Valkyrie.

"Who said anything about the reception for _Fusion of Destinies II_?" Mother Brain asked innocently.

"Not following. _Deathly Hallows_ smashed all sorts of records for books and films, which is more than I can say for your game," said Valkyrie hotly.

"And yet, like _Other M_, _Half-Blood Prince_ was the next-to-last chronologically," Mother Brain pointed out. "So since you're representing the Potterverse, a belated congratulations for breaking the Internet in half back in 2005. Ron eventually nailing Hermione stirred outrage on the Internets unrivaled until the drama over SOPA."

"Not my fault if the fanbase couldn't read the writing on the wall back in _Goblet of Fire_," Valkyrie said nonchalantly. "And it's not like the Metroid fandom doesn't have its own share of idiots. Oh teh noes, someone as traumatized by loss as Samus Aran exhibits textbook signs of PTSD after seeing Ridley, yet again, WILL NOT JUST DIE! That's SOOOOOOOOO unbelievable!" Valkyrie cried mockingly, staring at the camera and waving her arms. "And speaking of adolescents and hormones, was it me, or did _Other M_ imply that Samus was boffing her CO's little brother?"

"Because the sexual activity of one human woman, raised by aliens, and no doubt curious about her own sexuality, is just like the tidal wave of hormones seen in _Half-Blood Prince_. Ever hear of this thing called 'false equivalency'?" quipped Mother Brain. "And you're hardly in the position to preach about _NOT_ being promiscuous."

"It was never mentioned that I slept with anyone other than Severus," Valkyrie calmly pointed out.

"Ah yes, Severus Snape, the character lusted after by a good chunk of Potter fangirls," said Mother Brain. "Which brings us back to that whole Mary Sue thing..."

"How? How does it? In case you missed the end to _Fusion of Destinies II_, Sev kinda went soft and backstabbed me, and everyone lived happily ever after…until _Deathly Hallows_," said Valkyrie. "Besides, it's not my fault Grey-X needed an overpowering villain for the sort of story he wanted to tell. He needed someone who could challenge Voldemort, tempt Samus and Harry, had the intellect to manipulate Chozo technology, was skilled enough at biochemistry to attempt gene therapy on a whole planet's population, and…"

"And yet the idea of genetically-modified, unfreezeable Metroids never occurred to you," Mother Brain cut in with a sly smile.

"You can't take sole credit for that!" snapped Valkyrie. "But I guess you made up for that in other ways. If I remember right, your final battle with Samus showed how ingenious and devious you… Oh wait, that's right! You _WEREN'T_ the final boss, or even a boss at all! Only the Queen Metroid and her larva…all of the freezeable variety I might add."

"Which put the fear of Metroids back into many a gamer, Grey-X included," said Mother Brain. "And at least it didn't drag on and on AND ON, like your final clash with Harry Potter and Samus Aran. Plus, let's not forget the overlong fights with the Magneto and Toad rip-offs, the twenty-something Michael Clarke Duncan, and the vampiress leader during a time everyone was sick to death of vampires."

"Some didn't seem to mind the length, unlike how many gamers complained of the cutscenes in _Other M_," retorted Valkyrie. "There's a reason the scan visor was such an efficient storytelling tool in the_ Prime _trilogy, you know. Ah, but what can you expect from the development team behind flashy, softcore porn like Dead or Alive?"

"Didn't Grey-X go on record, saying your look was partially inspired by Dead or Alive's Hitomi?" Mother Brain reminded her. "Oh yeah, and wasn't that hairstyle ripped from a Sailor Moon villain? Eudial or something? Honestly, what other insipid cartoon characters inspired that hideous look?"

"You wanna talk about cartoon characters? Really? You?" demanded Valkyrie, her composure swiftly returning.

"Err, yes. Why wouldn't I?" asked Mother Brain.

Valkyrie said nothing, but instead held up her bionic arm and pushed a button. A huge hologram projected out of it, displaying the version of Mother Brain from Captain N: The Game Master, spewing hammy lines from the toon and letting out that trademark, grating laugh of hers.

Silence lingered between the two reincarnations of Samus's old foes for a moment. Then, Valkyrie turned to the camera, and insufferable grin on her face. "Game, set and match. That sound you just heard was Mother Brain's ego crashing into the charred remains of SR388," said Valkyrie, grinning at the camera.

For a moment, Mother Brain was silent. "You…were just waiting for the right moment to spring that, weren't you?

"Yes. Yes I was," said Valkyrie. "Couldn't think of a verbal trap to set up for it, though. Of course, everyone will just accuse me of being too obscenely prepared and staying thirty steps ahead again…"

"No, it felt very spontaneous. It truly came out of nowhere," said Mother Brain.

"Really?" asked Valkyrie, sounding as if her spirits were lifting. And then the camera clicked off and the image steadily faded…

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Yes, I am out to be a total dick about how I've proven utterly incapable of hammering out a solid, coherent plot for _Fusion of Destinies III_ yet. In the meantime, this is all you get. Could be worse. Could've ripped of other YouTube sensations…like Epic Rap Battle. *shudders*

But who won that little exchange? You decide! Write your choice in your review…once you're done flaming me for being an asshole on April Fools Day.

Next time: Bellatrix Lestrange and Ridley!


	2. Bellatrix Lestrange and Ridley

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 2: Bellatrix Lestrange and Ridley

4-13-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

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Once again, there is an endless expanse of white nothing, the only things in the front of the camera being two people. But instead of one representative of the Potterverse and one representative of the Metroid universe, we have Harry's two best friends: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger.

Ron looks around, confused. "Errr, wouldn't we supposed to meet two other people here?"

Hermione raised her hands in frustration. "Well, obviously, they're NOT HERE! Just like Grey-X, those two are dragging their feet," Hermione scoffed in annoyance. "We're in dire need of _Fusion of Destinies III_ getting off the ground since J.K. Rowling hung us out to pasture, and now our little gig for this pile of rubbish got delayed…"

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Meanwhile, in some _other_ endless expanse of white nothing, Bellatrix Lestrange is standing around, the Death Eaters' standard issue practice-sucking-lemons-in-front-of-a-mirror expression on her face. And that's hardly surprising, since every few seconds, Ridley swooped by overhead, bombarding the area with fireballs. Each time, however, Bellatrix lazily slashes her wand overhead, conjuring a Shield Charm to deflect the barrage.

Eventually, Bellatrix got fed up, and pulled a huge-ass rocket launcher out from her robes. She targeted Ridley and fired. Next thing we know, Ridley's smoking body crash-landed to Bellatrix's right. "See? Grey-X had a reason for letting me use Muggle weapons all along," Bellatrix hissed, her impatience palpable as she waved her hand at Ridley.

Ridley groggily shook his head as he propped himself up, having to stay ducked down to stay in camera range. "Grrrrr, well played, scrawny little human. Perhaps there's another female hominid as worthy of a rivalry with me as Samus Aran."

Bellatrix kept looking at the camera, as if she had only half-heard Ridley. "Indeed. I am Bellatrix Lestrange, the most loyal servant of Lord Voldemort and leader of his Death Eaters!"

"And I am Ridley, commander of the Space Pirate Security Forces and Mother Brain's second-in-command," Ridley chimed in.

"My faith in the Dark Arts has never wavered, for I know that through such power, Lord Voldemort will always rise again!" shouted Bellatrix.

"I always know my Space Pirate minions have faith in my power, since they always make sure I rise again," said Ridley, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"I braved the horrors of Azkaban rather than renounce my master's name, and loyally followed him into every battle with the Ministry, the traitorous Order of the Phoenix and Potter's feeble excuse for an army!" shrieked Bellatrix.

"Considering those last two sort of ran roughshod over all the Death Eaters in the 'Second' Battle of Hogwarts's conclusion, saving the two of the you for last, I'd hardly call such enemy forces 'feeble'," Ridley said delicately, turning to look at her.

"Oh, says the scrawny-necked, sorry excuse of a dragon who allows himself to be missile target practice EVERY TIME a certain bird-blooded pseudo-witch crosses his path!" snapped Bellatrix. "You're right up there with Dr. Wily, Dr. Robotnik and Dracula in terms of always crawling back…just to get anal-raped up the arse yet again! Except, of course, unlike them, you've never truly been the final boss, or even a villainous mastermind. My opening part in _Fusion of Destinies III _will fix the latter for me…"

"Funny that you mentioned hominid sex acts. Valkyrie most certainly had you pegged as a 'sex-starved powderkeg'. Considering who it was you truly longed for, it's not surprising," sneered Ridley.

"At least the Dark Lord had the balls to stand up to our own Phazon-eradiated maniac, even if it meant working with Potter and his lot. You and your precious Space Pirates just bent over for Dark Samus!" shrieked Bellatrix.

"Hmmm, is that so?" Ridley asked delicately. "I don't recall being forced to disguise myself as a flower-obsessed hick girl by a Dark Samus-wannabe."

"No, you just sat back and enjoyed some electro-shock therapy, as prescribed by Samus Aran's freakish yellow pet rat, Pikachu," sneered Bellatrix.

"Ahhh yes, my little crossover appearance in another Nintendo franchise," Ridley replied in a singsong voice. "Maybe you should get in touch with J.K. Rowling about doing the same. There could be a spot in _The Casual Vacancy_ for a foaming-at-the-mouth sociopath, who shows up just to stir up even more trouble behind the scenes in that 'idyllic' British town. Your movies certainly made you look the part. Speaking of which, I'm sure you found it most gratifying, having an actress that made you look like something from 80s vampire fetish porn," sneered Ridley.

"Tough talk for someone who turned out to be the bastard offspring of a Chocobo and a Moogle," replied Bellatrix coolly. "As for the 'foaming-at-the-mouth sociopath' remark, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't all of the Space Pirates current troubles stem from a certain Security Forces commander making a point of razing an entire colony AND slaughtering two particular Muggles right in front of a particular three-year-old's eyes?"

"Oooooh, smooth comeback! Shot right for the heart that time, didn't you? Naturally, you'd know what that feels like," Ridley jeered.

"Yes, it must be disheartening, sent to debate someone who fell honorably in the heat of battle, when_ you_ met such an unceremonious end, whetting the Queen Metroid's appetite. And then having your frozen remains infested with those wretched X-Parasites," Bellatrix shot back. "After that, one has to wonder how you can be recycled as cannon fodder for Samus Aran to snuff out yet again. For me, all J.K. Rowling or any other writer has to say is that I lapsed into a coma instead of dying. There. Perfectly plausible explanation. As for you, with Aran absorbing your X-infected remains…awkward."

"Ah, but the takeaway here is that I shall return. I shall ALWAYS return," Ridley said triumphantly. "Unlike a certain wizarding warlord you desperately hoped would bone you, whose fractured soul is trapped in limbo. And while his second-in-command coming back is plausible, one would wonder what worth she has, if she was so swiftly cowed by Neville Longbottom and his flying chainsaws."

"What an ingenious concept: avoid the Muggle contraptions that slice through trees. I guess that's something that never occurred to a bloodthirsty freak of a dragon, who always lets himself be force-fed over a hundred missiles shortly after his minions revive him," said Bellatrix. "As for what went on in OUR little crossover, you…oh that's right! So far, your only appearance was when Potter's pus-filled clone impersonated you, and the _real_ Potter actually trounced that Ridley as hard as Aran does the real thing!"

"Yes, that Harry Potter does have a way of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, does he not?" Ridley asked snidely. "He must, after crushing your beloved master with one, swift blow."

"It certainly took a lot more effort for that blood-traitor toad Molly Weasley to 'kill' me, and once _Fusion of Destinies III_ is in full swing, I'll get started on setting things straight," said Bellatrix dismissively. "As for you, since you're technically now bits of digested DNA in Aran's bloodstream, I fail to see how you'll affect any change."

Instead of a snide comeback, Ridley actually looked pensive, as if he had just realized something. "What's wrong with you all of a sudden?" demanded Bellatrix.

"As I said before, it's a foregone conclusion that I shall return," Ridley said imperiously, but then his mood turned dour. "Which means that, most likely, we shall be working together, fighting our common enemies. Does that bode well for us? After seeing that 'disguise' Valkyrie forced you to use, what collective humiliation awaits the both of us?"

Bellatrix and Ridley stared upward, lost in thought…

Both of them seemed to be mentally picturing a typical, sunny day in Dream Land, Kirby's homeworld. Then, in irritatingly familiar tune began, and the next thing anyone knows, Ridley's chibi-form rocketed across the sky, a rainbow trailing behind him. A chibified, smiling Bellatrix Lestrange rode on Ridley, doing a cute little dance, beaming out happiness and sunshine. All the while, a chant of "NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN NYAN," repeats…

With a record screech, Bellatrix and Ridley snapped out of it, staring forward at the camera in horror, looking as if Zoomers just crawled up their asses. As calmly as possible, Bellatrix said, "I believe I shall exorcise that disturbing image from my mind…after I down a whole barrel of firewhiskey."

"I believe I shall join you," muttered Ridley as they both walked away, and the camera clicked off, the image fading…

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Ah yes, more heartless teasing of the epicness that will be _Fusion of Destinies III_. But rest assured…

(the Nyan-Ridley with chibi-Bellatrix swoops by, beaming rainbows and happiness)

It won't have that.

Next time: Voldemort and the SA-X!

So long,

Grey-X


	3. Voldemort and the SAX

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 3: Voldemort and the SA-X

5-6-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

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Whoever Ron and Hermione were waiting for…they had yet to show up. The two of them were seated at a small table, deep in a game of Wizard's Chess.

A game Ron handily won, trouncing Hermione for the 63,237th time. "Checkmate," said Ron sheepishly.

Hermione stared at Ron, unblinking. And then, in a swift, explosive rage, Hermione stood up and kicked the table away, sending all the chess pieces flying away in protest. Ron quickly stood up, petrified by his girlfriend's rage. "WHERE THE [TRUCK HORN] ARE THEY?" Hermione demanded, shouting heavenward.

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In some other place with a voidlike expanse of white nothing, the SA-X stood, very much by herself. Her helmet was off, so everyone could see her long, dirty-looking, straggly hair and glowing, yellow-green eyes. However, the face that mimicked Samus's was no longer that cold mask of a patient killer. Rather, her yellow-green eyes betrayed anxiety, darting around with uncertainty.

"Hmph, what a surprise. Ol' Pink-Eye, who never bothered with women, probably stood me up," she huffed in annoyance. The SA-X then gazed directly into the camera. "Oh well, I guess I've got to carry this Sheegoth's ass of a comedy tour on my own. Better find a way to hold your interest, given what are no doubt your abysmally short attention spans." The SA-X scratched her chin, clearly lost in thought. "Now, what the devil do you kids find trendy at this juncture in time? Oh, I think I know!"

The SA-X made a face as if she were trying to go Super Saiyan. Which always looked like…yeah. All of a sudden, there was a sound not unlike a high-pitched fart. A single X-Parasite floated out from behind her ass and positioned itself to her left, already reforming into something else. Within seconds, it took the shape of a grey pony with wings, bearing the screw attack symbol on its rump, its eyes strangely out of focus.

"Did you really think Samus's parents were above using cartoons to babysit their little girl? Parents won't change over the centuries, I assure you," the SA-X said glibly. "I present Derpy from G15 My Little Pony!" Unfortunately, the X-Pony just stood there, staring dumbly up at the SA-X. "Oh, don't just stand there!" she shouted. "Come on, go eat a Decepticon's soul, or something! I mean…"

"_Bombarda Maxima!_"

All of a sudden, the X-Pony exploded, blood and guts spewing everywhere, splattering all over the SA-X armor and face. The SA-X merely blinked in surprise, seemingly nonchalant about the gore. Naturally, that wasn't quite the end of the creature, as a floaty yellow-green blob hovered over its remains. But of course, that cold voice rose again, this time shouting "_Incendio!_" The X parasite shriveled as the magical flame consumed it, and where the X-Pony once stood, a swirl of black smoke was conjured up, which reformed into the dreaded Lord Voldemort.

"Oooooh, neato entrance, oh steadfast hater of all things cute and innocent," the SA-X jabbed. "Exquisitely, and needlessly, gruesome. So, are we still on?"

"Naturally, you backstabbing, self-important parasitic worm of a doppelganger," sneered Voldemort, staring right at the camera with those blood-red, serpentine eyes.

The SA-X blinked in surprise again. "Oh, that's right. We…weren't exactly friends."

"Certainly not, for I am Lord Voldemort, and I need not such pithy, fragile bonds, only complete obedience from all those under my rule!" declared Voldemort. "Terror is my most potent weapon! Witches and wizards fear to speak my name, and tremble whenever it is heard!"

"As for me, well, I just make gamers wet themselves with the sound of my footsteps," the SA-X said innocently, shrugging her shoulders.

"And not only do a command a legion of loyal Death Eaters, but armies of giants and Inferi are at my disposal!" Voldemort went on.

"And I got me a whole orbital bioresearch station's worth of alien creepy-crawlies," said the SA-X. "Y'know, Space Pirates, side-hoppers…but no Sheegoths for whatever reason. I mean COME ON, development of _Prime_ started well before _Fusion_! Wazzup with dat?"

"I shall go down in Wizarding history as the most lethal master of the Dark Arts who ever lived!" cried Voldemort triumphantly. "Only a foolish few ever dared challenge me directly."

"And I have all of Samus Aran's most kick-ass weapons and abilities, yaddi yadda yadda, my better half couldn't even scratch my armor for the longest time, blah blah blah," said the SA-X, sounding bored. "Of course, it's all about what you DO with your arsenal. Y'know, that take-no-prisoners approach with the pony…you really should've busted out some of that on Valkyrie and her Inferno minions. I mean, you talked all big and bad just now, but so do villains like Loki. And Grey-X dragged out what the Hulk did to Loki in ten seconds…for the entirety of a 50-chapter, 500,000 word story for you."

"At least I actually braved such beatings and actually, how shall I put this, appeared IN THE FLESH," Voldemort swiftly retorted. "Honestly, outside of perhaps that one cheap attempt at channeling _Super Smash Bros._ insanity, you spent all of _Fusion of Destinies II_ doing a horrible parody of a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-style conflict with Samus Aran. One that probably brought back foul memories of _The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen_ for many."

"I think the author was trying to channel those John Crichton/Scorpius scenes from _Farscape_ more than anything else," the SA-X said dismissively. "But I suppose since you were too busy getting your ass handed to you by a magnetic ghost on ethereal crack and the end result of Michael Clarke Duncan contributing to stem cell research, SOMEONE had to pick up the slack and be that mysterious, menacing evil lurking in the dark shadows of the hero's mind."

"A duel of mind and pure will you still LOST to Samus Aran. While she was armorless and quite unpracticed at witchcraft, might I add," snapped Voldemort.

"More big talk from someone who lost that Priori Incantatem battle of wits to Harry Potter, and utterly failed to enslave his mind a year later, despite his suckitude at Occlumency," said the SA-X aloofly. "Oh yeah, and let's not forget your last fight, where Harry blew your ass away with one spell, right after HE PRACTICALLY TOLD YOU EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU ATTACKED. Smooth move, Voldie."

"Perhaps I should have transformed into what can only be described as Unicron's singing butt boil, and repeatedly jumped over my arch-enemy again and again," suggested Voldemort. "Oh, and of course, let myself be slashed apart by a bloodthirsty Omega Metroid…"

"Was that one of my more tactically sound decisions? We'll see," said the SA-X evenly. "I mean, you're all about sound tactical judgments, right? I mean, it's not as if anyone could see any fault with throwing your lot in with the ex-Auror whose arm you chopped off and whose adoptive family you slaughtered. It's not as if anyone saw Dr. Asara's betrayal coming from light-years away."

"Am I really supposed to tolerate such drivel from someone who loses track of a quarry that hides a mere few feet away?" asked Voldemort hotly. "Honestly, how often did Samus Aran elude you by going into morph ball mode and hiding in such a brazenly obvious niche, only for you to walk away, like the proverbial shrake with a three-second memory span?"

"Far less times than you were used as cheap comic relief in _Fusion of Destinies II_," said the SA-X simply.

"Five minutes ago, you were ready to entertain these Muggle hordes with pegasi flying out of your arse," Voldemort pointed out. "And then there's that insufferable air of silliness you exuded back in _Fusion of Destinies II_ as well. Decking both yourself and Samus Aran in poofy evening gowns for a wedding dance? Honestly, what self-respecting harbinger of terror and despair would stoop to such antics? You went from this implacable, eerily silent force of nature in _Fusion_ to this smug goofball that even George Weasley would find unpalatable."

"At least for me, it was my choice. You didn't have much say in being buried in ice chunks, blasted by Phazon radiation, having a submachine gun clip emptied into you, getting gassed by Harry's aunt…need I go on?" the SA-X asked delicately. "And I foresee myself continuing to ham it up in _Fusion of Destinies III_, unlike a certain magical Adolf Hitler with a snake fetish I could mention…"

"What are you talking about? My triumphant return for the finale is all but assured!" cried Voldemort.

"Really? Bellatrix Lestrange, Valkyrie and myself are pretty much certain, and the author's already confirmed Space Pirate heavyweights like Mother Brain and Ridley. No one's heard a peep about you," SA-X pointed out.

"It would be unthinkable to have Potter's sworn enemy return for…" Voldemort began.

"It was also unthinkable that a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover had no genuine Space Pirate forces for not one but TWO stories, yet that's what readers got," said the SA-X.

"Speaking of neglecting to appear, ever notice how, in over a decade, Nintendo has yet to trouble itself with a new game that chronologically follows yours? The 3DS is out there, the Wii U is coming, but still no post-_Fusion_ adventure for our least-favorite bounty huntress on the horizon," said Voldemort. "In all of Samus's appearances since then, save for unlocking the fusion suit in _Prime_, it's as if the company pretends you don't exist. Samus Aran is always seen in the Chozo armor you now wear…even _Super Smash Bros. Brawl_ neglected to put Samus in her new fusion suit! To be sure, the events of _Other M_ led into _Fusion_, but at least _Other M_ was acknowledged elsewhere, in the form of an arena in _Dead or Alive: Dimensions_. Congratulations, SA-X, for being attached to a video game equivalent of a leper."

The SA-X just stared at Voldemort for a moment. "Y'know, for someone who regards non-magical societies with such contempt, you sure do keep up with the dregs of pop culture…"

A Looney Tunes-style shrinking circle effect signaled the end of this little verbal joust, but just as it's about to vanish, the SA-X fired a super missile, blowing it back open. The SA-X stood in front of the crumbling, gaping hole she just made, smiling, then said, "Remember kids, no actual ponies were harming in the making of this…erm…_THING_ that indicates Grey-X has more time on his hands than he lets on!" The SA-X then flipped the bird. "Got it right here, buddy."

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Well, that was certainly a big waste of everyone's time. Again, remember to say who you thought won this battle of wits.

And might as well spill it…yes, ALL SIX major villains you've seen so far in this comedy disaster will be appearing in _Fusion of Destinies III_. After all, if something like _Spider-Man 3_ can cohesively come together at the end with three villains more or less acting independently, then let's go for double-or-nothing!

And I just alienated half my subscribers with that one sentence.

Next time: something too stupid for words. Which, considering some blotches on my résumé, is saying something.

So long,

Grey-X


	4. An Interlude, or Something

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 4: An Interlude, or Something

5-11-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for _Fusion of Destinies_ and _Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning_! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

xxxxxxxxx

Having exhausted all the typical options for killing time within the Wizarding world, Ron and Hermione – perhaps appropriately – resorted to video games as they awaited those they were scheduled to verbally spar with. At the moment, they were deep in a _Halo Reach _deathmatch, which ended with Hermione sniping Ron's head off from across the map for the 20th time in a row.

Predictably, Ron threw the Xbox 360 controller down in frustration, "Come on, THIS is the series that's always compared to Samus's, and will get another game before she does?!" he demanded, disgusted.

"I'm sure if Master Chief displays textbook signs of PTSD in _Halo 4_, Microsoft will suffer the same kind of backlash," Hermione sighed. "Now, as fun as it's been to blow your head off again and again, I'm swiftly exhausting what reserves of patience I have left…"

"One, the readers may get the wrong idea from part of that last sentence. And two, does one of these guys ride around in one of those big truck things?" asked Ron.

"No. Why?" demanded Hermione.

"Because some truck is riding up toward us," said Ron.

Surprised, Hermione looked up. Indeed, there was a red-and-blue Peterbilt 379 driving toward them, decelerating as it drew near. It came to a stop a few yards to their left. Then, several people clambered out of front and the cabin. Sonic the Hedgehog, Shanoa, Sailor Moon, Sly Cooper and Dr. Temperance Brennan, none of whom were meant to spar with Ron and Hermione.

Ron eyed the odd ensemble with curiosity, but Hermione, as usual, was breathtaking in her directness. "Right to the point, just what are all of YOU doing here?!" demanded Hermione. "We've been slated to do a little skit here. No mention was made of you lot…"

"And things are right on schedule, I take it?" quipped Sonic. "As usual with this author, things are draggin' on and on and on. That's why we all decided to get together and set some things straight with him."

"All of you…set some things straight…" repeated Hermione. Her eyes suddenly widened in panic. "Oh no no no no…don't tell me ALL OF YOU got greenlit for Greyfics too!"

"Is that such a surprise? Most of all hail from series that have yet to end," Shanoa pointed out.

"No, I guess not. Some get their whole bloody franchise rebooted, stripping away over nine centuries of history, while deigning to reappear in half-assed _Soul Calibur_ clones and weird multiplayer mash-ups," scoffed Hermione. "Then again, for _Castlevania_, I guess it made sense. Konami was running out of time periods to shoehorn in two new sequels every year. Bloody hell, IGA _STILL_ hasn't bothered to tell us _when_ in the 1800s your game took place."

"Hey hey, no need for any of that," said Sailor Moon quickly. "I mean, it's not, oh what did Ami call it, a zero-summation…thing. There's plenty of success to go around, even for those whose series are done and over with."

"Yeah, because the only thing you've done this millennium, that campy-even-by-Japanese-standards live-action knockoff…that was a HUGE success," spat Hermione. "Come to think of it, the whole damn magical girl genre is still running off the fumes your series gave off back in the mid-90s. Ever get a look at that newest version of _Pretty Cure_? I hate it to say it, but I liked it better back in 1992, when it was still called _Sailor Moon_."

"Sooooooo…you're saying there's no shame in proving to be an inspiration for an entire genre long after you're gone," Sonic suggested delicately. "One could argue that's the biggest strength of your series, that…"

"I don't think we did that sort of pep talk from a guy who inspired a whole gaggle of annoying furry mascots. There's a reason that Bubsy still tops every list of 'Most Annoying Game Character Ever', after all," Hermione cut in. "Besides, you're kinda famous for NEVER going away, even when legions of you old fans are itching to burn you in effigy."

Sonic's expression turned sour. "Hey, I've won back plenty with _Colors_, _Generations_ and _Sonic 4_."

"After a stretch that climaxed with traumatizing everyone with a kiss by some necrophiliac princess," Ron swiftly countered. "Seriously, why would anyone at Sega expect anything less than outright fan revolt after that?"

Sonic glared at Ron. "Because no one ever complains about Brian Griffin having SEX with human women. And besides, your part-werewolf brother married a part-veela, another one of your brothers gladly sucked the face of a bird-blooded bounty huntress spliced with the DNA of life-sucking alien jellyfish, and your little sister isn't squeamish about popping out part-Metroid babies. I wouldn't talk. And lastly, if we're talking about encouraging bestiality, it's not my series showcasing a fox that's a Latina cop who always bares her midriff," said Sonic, pointing at Sly.

"Ooooooh, I've been cut to the quick," said Sly with mock surprise. "Worried about the competition? Only natural for a guy who's getting yet ANOTHER game, less than a week from now, to go after a guy who's only getting his fourth game after a seven-year hiatus."

"Yeah, and Samus blessed the world with TWO new games after an EIGHT-YEAR hiatus," Hermione snapped. "I don't see any PS Vita game to go along with _Thieves in Time_."

"As you can all see, Hermione's having a bit of a blood pressure crisis here, so if you don't mind, why not get back in that…" Ron paused, taking a better luck at their truck. "Hold on, I swear I've seen that truck before. Isn't that…" The truck suddenly became a bizarre menagerie of moving parts, soon reforming into the 30-foot Cybertronian known as Optimus Prime.

Ron and Hermione stared up at Optimus Prime with a mixture of awe and annoyance. "You got to be…there'll be a TRANSFORMERS story before things come 'round back to us?!" demanded Hermione.

"And aren't you the version of Optimus Prime from those movies?" asked Ron.

"Big deal. So long as he's got Peter Cullen's voice, it's practically the same character," said Sly.

"As opposed to Carmelita Fox, who gets a different voice actress in EVERY game," jeered Sonic. Sly just glared at Sonic.

"Well, Sly did have a point. Sailor Moon as well. This isn't a zero-sum game. Both of our last movies sealed the deal by crossing the one billion mark," Hermione admitted, but then her lips curled into a devious grin. "Of course, our movies were never maligned for being chock-full of puerile toilet humor and sex jokes even American blokes like Howard Stern would deem tasteless."

"I do recall some criticisms of _Half-Blood Prince_, claiming that the book had an air of unimaginative, hormone-driven teen romance," Optimus pointed out. "But for the most part, you are correct. On some levels, there was such an aversion to touchy subjects, not once was it stated implicitly that your noble and courageous headmaster was gay."

"He's got you there!" cried Sailor Moon. "I mean, Haruka and Michiru never said it directly either, but it's pretty damn obvious…"

"Yes, because ALIEN ROBOTS are the perfect judges of how human sexuality should be addressed," Hermione spat back. "And the fact remains that it's looking like the author has to churn out a story for each of you, despite having previously committed to one last story for us."

Temperance Brennan had been silent the whole time, but now she spoke up. "Actually, we've all been slated for crossovers, so the amount of stories scheduled before yours, assuming all of ours come first, is only half of what you think it is," she said matter-of-factly.

Hermione just glared at Bones. "And saying it like that makes it all better? Please, being an abrasive, bossy know-it-all like yours truly is fine, but there's an art to it. And may I ask what misbegotten universe is going to be stuck with _you_?"

At that instant, a huge shadow loomed over all of them. Ron and Hermione craned their necks up, to see a creature that stood at least a hundred feet over them. Perhaps 'stood' would be an inaccurate term, because from the waist down, this gigantic girl with long blonde hair…had the body of a snake, sporting teal scales with patterns of white rings and a yellow underbelly. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this creature wore no clothes, necessitating two black bars to hover in front of her privates to keep the T rating.

"Hello!" said the giant snake-woman cheerfully. "My name is Crisis! And I think I'm supposed to meet someone called 'Greyman' or something. Something about a 'crossover'." Crisis then looked down at herself, namely at the persistent, hovering censor bars. "And, uh, what're these floaty black things?" Crisis twisted her torso around, watching curiously as the censor bars moved with her.

Even with the censor bars matching Crisis's movements, a little bit of titty jiggle could still be seen. Something which wasn't lost on Ron. When Hermione caught wind of what he was focused on, she swiftly decked him with one punch. Looking back up at the naga, Hermione cried, "Now I _KNOW _someone's pulling a sick prank! Really? _FELARYA_, the self-published English manga by freaky fetishists, for freaky fetishists?!"

"Have you already forgotten what the author put you through at the end of _Virtual Stupidity_?" Sly asked dryly.

"Which is something you no doubt enjoy, given how eager you were to climb Carmelita's giant body in your last game," jeered Sonic.

"THAT'S IT!" roared Sly, smacking Sonic with his cane. Sonic quickly retaliating with a charged spin dash, tackling Sly to the ground. They became a tangle of limbs as they rolled around, struggling with each other, while everyone else ignored them.

"Crossovers or no, you mean to tell me Grey-X has to get to _ALL OF YOU_ before getting back to us?! This is preposterous! What other half-baked ideas is this twit going to trot out before finally getting to work on _Fusion of Destinies III_?" Hermione demanded vehemently.

As if on cue, something else began to hover overhead, a few dozen feet above Crisis. In particular, it was a colorful hot air balloon with ten occupants. Six particular ponies from Equestria and four particular foul-mouthed children from South Park, Colorado.

"Hey, can anyone point us in the direction of this Grey guy?" Twilight Sparkle hollered to everyone below. But suddenly, there was some grunting from within the balloon, as Kenny climbed over at peered down at Crisis with an enraptured look.

"Jesus Christ, Kenny, didn't you learn your lesson the last time with Princess Peach?" huffed Cartman.

Apparently not, for Kenny kept leaning over, wildly snapping pictures of Crisis. But of course, he eventually lost his balance and fell out, screaming. Startled, Crisis looked up, her lips slightly parted, and Kenny fell right in. After reflexively swallowing, Crisis looked around sheepishly, before shrugging her shoulders and innocently saying, "Whoops?"

"Oh Celestia, she ATE Kenny!" cried Applejack.

"You big…dumb…MEANIE!" added Fluttershy.

Down below, it looked like Hermione was about to have an aneurysm and a seizure simultaneously. For a few moments, she was deathly silent. Then, with determined calm, Hermione took a deep breath and pulled out her wand, conjuring a porta-potty. "Everyone, please, excuse me for just ONE moment," she said evenly as she stepped into the porta-potty.

If the aim was to create a soundproof porta-potty, Hermione failed miserably. As everyone else watched her slam the door shut, they could hear her noisily suck in air.

And then came the censoring effect of a blaring truck horn, which could be heard from orbit.

Also in orbit was the tiny ship belonging to Captain Olimar and Louie. The sound reached their ship, and Olimar could only shake his head. "Well, there goes Hermione Granger again, blowing her top over how long _Fusion of Destinies III_ is taking…"

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Unforgivably, unbelievably stupid? Absolutely. But I wasn't promising any well-written, nuanced humor in the first place, now was I?

Next time: Albus Dumbledore and Adam Malkovich

So long,

Grey-X


	5. Albus Dumbledore and Adam Malkovich

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 5: Albus Dumbledore and Adam Malkovich

5-26-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for _Fusion of Destinies_ and _Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning_! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

xxxxxxxx

Yet again, we have that tiresome, white expanse of nothingness. But this time, no one was in front of the camera…at least not in the sense of someone's physical body being there. Instead, propped up on an easel, there was the magically-animated portrait depicting Albus Dumbledore, the not-so-long dead headmaster of Hogwarts. As expected, this remnant of the late headmaster beamed at the camera with a smile. "Greetings, one and all. Now that the villains from our respective series have, how shall we say, 'strutted their stuff', I suppose it's time for their sworn enemies to have a go. But I do admit, this match-up seems an odd choice. After all, even though many are familiar with my world and these magical paintings, it is not every day you see…"

Right on cue, the roar of a spaceship's was heard overhead, and a small, purple cruiser carefully descended. It was quite miraculous, how Dumbledore's easel wasn't incinerated or blown over. The ship eventually came to rest behind the easel and to its right. "A portrait and a spaceship…I must say, I doubt our viewers were prepared for an oddity such as this."

"In order to purge the disturbing thoughts of cartoon ponies flying out of the SA-X's bodily orifices, I'll wager readers will welcome anything at this point," came the dry, synthesized voice of Adam Malkovich, Samus Aran's former commanding officer. "So, are we still really doing this?"

"As I've been graciously 'outed' after my franchise's conclusion, and you're still waiting for word of a post-_Fusion_ game, I suppose we have nothing better to do," Dumbledore pointed out simply. He then looked back to the camera. "As many already know, I am, or rather was, Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts and sometimes seen as a father figure to one Harry Potter."

"And this ship is guided by the preserved intellect of Adam Malkovich, former field commander in the Galactic Federation special forces, and something of a father figure to Samus Aran," came Adam's voice from the ship.

"Fans either regard me as a kindly, well-meaning teacher…or a manipulative monster," Dumbledore admitted.

"Fans almost always think I'm just an asshole," Adam said flatly.

"The moment that shaped my life, shocked me to my senses, was witnessing the death of my sister Ariana, which was partly due to my neglect and selfish ambition," Dumbledore recalled with a sad look.

"Likewise, I gave the order that doomed my little brother Ian, which also led to Samus Aran resigning and leaving my command," said Adam.

"In the end, I had little choice to stage my own death, with the help of Severus Snape," said Dumbledore.

"As for me, I entered the part of the Bottle Ship crawling with Metroids, seeking to damage it so badly it would be jettisoned, knowing full well I wouldn't get out," explained Adam.

"A very noble sacrifice, without question," said Dumbledore kindly. "Of course, the part that came before it, where you literally shot Samus in the back with a freeze gun, certainly does not help you shake the distinction of an 'asshole'."

"Was I a bit too rough? Possibly. But the pain soon passed for Samus, unlike the ten years of neglect and emotional abuse you sentenced Harry Potter to at the hands of the Dursleys," Adam pointed out tersely.

"If not for the necessity of protecting Harry from Lord Voldemort's fanatical followers, that option would have been furthest from my mind," Dumbledore said with a casual air of dismissal. "But has anyone ever considered that all along, I anticipated Tom would attempt to do the one thing – steal some of Harry's blood – that would give Harry a chance to strike back once the bit of Tom's soul clinging to his was expunged?"

"Some might buy that, if not for how you made a career of keeping pertinent intel away from Harry until there was no more point at subterfuge," spat Adam. "This includes fessing up to your pitiful mess of a life only AFTER Harry 'died'."

"And I might be willing to accept such criticism, were it not coming from someone with a history of withholding information himself," said Dumbledore. "Especially on the B.S.L. station, until a last-minute change of heart. Or change of CPU, or whatever term you prefer. Before then, you were perfectly fine with the plasma beam and diffusion missile upgrades being withheld, and keeping Samus blissfully unaware of the Galactic Federation's plans for the X, _AND_ their Metroid breeding program, _YET AGAIN_. And dare I suggest it seemed a bit selfish, that you only intervened on Samus's behalf when she announced her intention to sacrifice herself, as if it made your own meaningless?"

"So you not only want to deflect talk about withholding information, but equipment as well?" Adam demanded dismissively. "You, who could have seen to it that Harry had all three Deathly Hallows, right at the start of the book of the same name? You said you weren't entirely sure Harry would keep his head screwed on right with such power. Really? This is the kid that passed on seeing the rat that sold out his family executed in front of him, gleefully defied Triwizard Tournament rules to rescue extra 'hostages', and in the end, settled for exploiting Voldemort's Horcruxes rather than seizing the Elder Wand for himself. And you were actually WORRIED this kid would use the combined Hallows for the wrong reasons?"

"In hindsight, it does point to a possible lapse in judgment on my part," Dumbledore admitted. "But also in hindsight, when my plan led to Harry eventually cornering Voldemort, the latter with a useless Hallow that backfired…much less so. And I can take comfort that denying Harry all three Hallows did not put him and his friends in situations such as, oh I don't know, having no protection from convective heat in a zone overflowing with magma."

"Hmmm, still as sharp and quick as ever," sneered Adam. "Too bad you weren't quite as sharp in your younger years. The evil aura that Gellert Grindelwald and then Tom Marvolo Riddle gave off, which made Phantoon's ghastly aura pale in comparison…completely off your radar. Oh, but wait! If we factor in _Fusion of Destinies II_, the same thing happened AGAIN with Dr. Valencia Asara. THREE megalomaniacs and would-be conquerors of Earth, all right under your nose in their younger years. No wonder so many fanfic writers go with this stupid 'Dark Harry' theme; they must suspect history'll repeat itself yet again."

"This coming from the man who let 'the Deleter' into the Bottle Ship on his team, and only issued 'recommendations' against Madeline Bergman's Metroid breeding program?" asked Dumbledore calmly. "But if we are considering _Fusion of Destinies II_, you were no wiser regarding Val's scheming and misdirection, and Voldemort's own plans to seize control of Hogwarts with a hidden Inferi army if the opportunity presented itself. Oh yes, and the whole time, you became dependent on others, losing the ability to pilot yourself remotely. I'm sure the Etecoons and Dachoras would have lent a hand again, but I suspect they found Arthur's flying car better company."

"Losing my ability to control my own ship didn't stop me from giving your favorite three students their own power suits, among other things. As opposed to, again, WITHHOLDING THE OTHER TWO DEATHLY HALLOWS," Adam pointed out. "And speaking of company, it turned out Severus Snape wasn't 100 percent trustworthy after all. Not that he was such a fine, upstanding gentleman to begin with. Looking at his teaching style, and how you allowed it…I'm amazed I'm labeled as the bigger asshole."

"True about Severus, all too true," Dumbledore said. "But in the end, I once again helped Severus see the consequences of his choices. And with that, my own tactical information in the form of memories regarding Val, and your own tactical expertise, one of my old pupils was brought down, and that paved the way for the defeat of another. Both of our protégés triumphed and will continue on as our successors."

For a moment, Adam was deathly silent. "I suppose it's true…that despite the mistakes each of us made, in the end, even after death, we pulled things together. We gave Samus and Harry the chance they needed to…"

Suddenly, Adam was interrupted by an odd screeching sound overhead, one not unlike a phoenix. "Oh dear," said Dumbledore airily.

"What?" asked Adam sternly.

"The reports of Fawkes fleeing the Wizarding World forever seem to have been greatly exaggerated," said Dumbledore, looking up. "What's more, he seems overdo to regenerate himself in phoenix fire, and he seems to be carrying a bag of dungbombs in his beak…"

"What in…where's he going with…" Adam began, but Fawkes swooped down and flew into the open hatch on top of the ship. Evidently, Fawkes went right ahead with his rebirthing, which ignited all the dungbombs and making it look like an abominably huge fart was rising from Adam's open hatch. "YAAAH! You'd think no longer having a sense of smell would make this less distressing!" cried Adam.

"I do apologize for my old friend's thoughtless antics," said Dumbledore sincerely.

"It's no big deal," said Adam quickly.

"It isn't?" asked Dumbledore, surprised. "Why not?"

"Because it's not like I can always keep MY little friends in check either," said Adam.

Dumbledore opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by a strange, chittering sound. Then, in a flash, the three Etecoons were crawling the easel, drawing all over the portrait with Sharpie markers. By the time they scampered off, Coke-bottle glasses, acne, an extra black beard, devil horns and a plethora of other unsightly add-ons marred Dumbledore's portrait. Naturally, he took it in good stride. "Oh well, an eye for an eye, I suppose."

"And don't take this the wrong way, but they just did me a favor," said Adam.

"How is that?" asked Dumbledore.

"I was afraid I would have to resort to a gay joke to close this chapter," said Adam. "Not smiled upon these days…"

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Meh, not too thrilled with this one. I thought that having the stern Adam Malkovich square off with the jovial Albus Dumbledore would be easy, but oh well. Again, tell me who you thought 'won' in a review…

In the meantime, back to _Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode II_ for me. Just like with _Metroid: Other M, _89.245 percent of all the whining and bitching is incomprehensible to me…

Next time: Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger! And, and…uh…

So long,

Grey-X


	6. Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and?

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 6: Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and…uhh….

6-16-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for _Fusion of Destinies_ and _Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning_! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

xxxxxxxx

Still the white expanse of nothingness. Still with Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger standing around, waiting for their two 'opponents' to arrive, their patience wearing dangerously thin. And still Hermione looked like she was about to explode with a rage that would make Akane Tendo seem as eternally patient as Yoda.

"Hours…endless hours…waiting…bloody…arseholes…." Hermione muttered dangerously under her breath. Ron, wisely, was keeping Hermione at arm's length, looking more eager to go face Voldemort and Mother Brain AT THE SAME TIME than be on the receiving end when Hermione snapped. "How can this get any worse?" Hermione added, her voice little more than a hiss.

Suddenly, Ron looked to their left. "Another unexpected visitor," said Ron flatly.

"Oh PLEASE! We already endured an impromptu visit from an alien robot Jesus, two cocky anthropomorphic furbags, an insufferable forensic anthropologist, the ditziest superheroine alive, an emotionless dead ringer for Rowena Ravenclaw and the poster-naga for fetish manga. Who can be worse than all of them COMBINED?!" demanded Hermione.

"Him," said Ron simply. Hermione looked up, seeing that Ron was pointing at a rather bemused Draco Malfoy, who just shrugged his shoulders.

For a moment, Hermione could only stare at Draco, mouth agape. "Malfoy, it's not as if we don't appreciate your company," Hermione growled, her voice dripping with venomous sarcasm, "but we're sort of here on business."

"Yes, and everything seems to be proceeding swimmingly, Granger," was Draco's quick rejoinder. "In fact, that's why I'm here as well. For some reason, Weasley neglected to schedule me for tryouts for extra slots in this feature that's…swiftly become mired in senselessness anyway."

Hermione said nothing, fixing a piercing gaze upon Ron instead. Quickly wilting, Ron hurriedly tried to explain. "Well, y'see…originally, there were supposed to be many more skits. Harry and I were in charge of tryouts, to see what would work. And…most didn't go over so well…"

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Harry and Ron can be heard muttering incoherently as they stood behind the camera. Some distance away from the camera, Fenrir Greyback stood, but he was easily dwarfed by Kraid. Only Kraid's feet could be seen, and Greyback was getting nudged to the very edge of the camera's range.

"Uh, OK Greyback, now take a few steps forward," Harry said tentatively. "Now Kraid…KRAID, you hearing me OK? Now skooch a little to the right…" Ron muttered something unprintable as the ground quaked, but Harry ignored him. "OK, we're getting there guys. Greyback, take a couple steps to your left. Kraid, take another step forward, and…[TRUCK HORN] it, this isn't working…"

TV FUZZ

Dolores Umbridge and Sylux were now standing in front of the camera. Umbridge looked rather befuddled, and Sylux's body language betrayed the same confusion. "Uhmm, can someone please explain to me again…why I agreed to appear with this alien freakfest?" Umbridge asked delicately. Sylux tried to clobber Umbridge with his shock coil, but a quick Shield Charm from Harry put a stop to that.

"Because when it comes to villains who are sociopathic arses for no reason, you're the strongest candidates from your respective franchises," said Harry. "And you, Umbridge, in particular, need as much exposure as you can get. Rumor has it that Grey-X has no clue how to work you into _Fusion of Destinies III_. So if you want out of Azkaban, you better be your sweet self and…forget I said that."

"Hold it, Harry. If we have to face the SA-X, Voldemort and Valkyrie all over again, plus the Space Pirates…is _NOT_ having Umbridge a _BAD_ thing?" Ron asked darkly.

"Well, when you put it that way…" Harry began. Sylux and Umbridge just kept staring blankly into the camera.

MORE TV FUZZ

The camera clicked on again, showing Minerva McGonagall to be standing on the left, while U-Mos hovered at her right. "Mr. Potter, please explain again…what is the purpose of this endeavor?" asked the Transfiguration professor.

"Oh, you just fight about your franchises, that's all," said Harry quickly.

"I see, Mr. Potter. Very well…" McGonagall said tentatively. Turning to U-Mos, she cleared her throat, and said, "Well, Mr. U-Mos, you seem well…after appearing no more than five or six times in_ Echoes_ and putting the burden of saving Aether on Ms. Aran's shoulders."

"Indeed, it was regrettable I could not join her in combat, what with the responsibility of protecting my Luminoth brethren in stasis," said U-Mos, completely unoffended. "As your Order of the Phoenix and Samus Aran both proved, only through strength and vigilance, can we create peace," he added loftily.

"Harry, mate, something tells me this is going nowhere too," Ron whispered to Harry.

"OK then. Um, you two…need to be a bit more aggressive for this to work," said Harry.

"As you wish, Mr. Potter," said McGonagall. However, she clearly still didn't get the jist, for she whipped out her wand and tried to hex the Luminoth at point blank range. Naturally, the spell just rebounded off U-Mos's psionic shield, flooring McGonagall instantly.

EVEN MORE TV FUZZ

The camera clicked on, and two young women who bore striking resemblances to Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence were seen standing in front of it.

"Alright then, let's see what…" Harry began, but stopped upon seeing who was there for a tryout. "Uhm, ladies, not that I want to fuel any rumors there's some three-way rivalry between our franchises, but…WHAT THE [TRUCK HORN] ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

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"Needless to say, it was a huge waste of everyone's time," said Ron, noting the bemused look on Hermione's face.

"Still, was it too much to ask that I be squeezed in there?" demanded Draco.

"Malfoy, count your blessings," snapped Ron. "The extra sketches that Grey-X made us film with your former comrades-in-arms were even more disturbing."

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Bellatrix Lestrange was back in front of the camera, with Karu-Sil of the Sinestro Corps standing at her right.

"So…when Warner Bros. makes another Green Lantern movie, will you be in it?" asked Bellatrix. "I feel all those fussy Muggle critics would still have ranted and raved even if that Parallax creature resembled his golden space cockroach self. Would these Muggles tolerate seeing a lipless, cannibalistic…."

Karu-Sil said nothing the whole time, merely standing coldly at Bellatrix, who was rudely interrupted when yellow-construct recreations of Karu-Sil's pack-family pinned her to the ground, out of the camera's range. "AAAHHHH! OWWW! AAAUUUGHHH!" screamed Bellatrix as her blood sprayed up everywhere.

YET EVEN MORE TV FUZZ

Valkyrie was back, and to her right was a single stool, on which stood an albino, anthropomorphic mouse with a bionic arm of her own.

Widget looked up coldly at Valkyrie. "So let me get this straight. You've got an artificial left arm, built an elaborate underwater base of operations, and you're pretty much the dark counterpart to a beloved female canon character. And yet your author _still_ expects us to believe he only read _Under the Bridge_, thus learning of my popularity within the Rescue Rangers fandom, _**AFTER**_ he began work on _Fusion of Destinies II_?"

Valkyrie said nothing, opting to instead keep staring down at Widget with a cold gaze of her own.

ACK! NOT MORE TV FUZZ!

Voldemort was now back in front of the camera, with Doctor Doom to his right. And the far more awesomer evil mastermind was already in rant mode.

"FOOL! It takes four of the universe's most talented super-beings for there to be any hope of my schemes being foiled! Alas, you allowed a mere boy to crush you with one blow!" taunted Doom. All the while, Voldemort calmly gazed back at the lord of Latveria. "You may have terrorized a small pocket of humanity for a year or two, but now, the world shall know true fear! FOR I…AM…DOO…."

Finally having had enough, Voldemort slightly lifted up the hem of his robes. This allowed a dozen or so rabid female squirrels, capable of biting through metal, to scurry out and latch onto Doom. "AHHHH! SQUIRRELS! GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF!" screamed Doom as he blindly ran around in a panic. Needless to say, Voldemort was enjoying Doom's misery.

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There was silence among the three young wizards for a moment, until Draco said, "Seeing Val get told off by a mouse would've been fun, I must admit."

"Just WHY are you so anxious to get a slot in this miserable excuse for a comedy routine anyway?" demanded Hermione.

"I have a feeling I'll need the extra practice dealing with freaks from the Metroid universe," said Draco. "I don't know what part is in store for me in _Fusion of Destinies III_, but I got a bad feeling I'm supposed to be a hero next time."

Hermione stared blankly at Draco for a moment. "You? Play the part of a hero?" she asked incredulously.

"Well, there IS a term called 'Draco in Leather Pants'," Ron pointed out.

"From the same site that gave us 'Ron the Death Eater," Hermione said through gritted teeth.

"But think about it for a moment, Granger. Remember that little bit about a prophecy called 'The Seven Stars'? Remember mulling over who the seventh may be? Well, considering the misfortune I've been through in this misbegotten series, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm forced to…" Draco stopped when he noticed something odd to their right. "Wait, what's that? Something's approaching…fast."

Ron and Hermione took a look. Eyes widening, they immediately dove for cover. All of a sudden, the Blue Falcon sped by, ramming into Draco. Ron and Hermione caught a quick glimpse of someone jumping out, and sure enough, Captain Falcon deftly touched down in front out of the camera, striking an obnoxious pose.

Hermione got up and dusted herself off. "FINALLY! The mighty Captain Falcon deigns to bless us with his presence!" cried Hermione sardonically. "But now I bet that little pink foozeball will still keep us waiting!"

Suddenly, Draco ran back to the group. "I'm alright, I'm alright! Conjured a Shield Charm to cushion the impact at the last second!" he yelled. "Yep, you blokes aren't getting rid of me so eas…."

Draco was cut off when a Warp Star slammed into the ground a few inches from Draco, propelling him skyward. After his screams faded, Kirby landed beside Captain Falcon, and the two took their positions to the right of Ron and Hermione.

"Took you two look enough," spat Ron. "At least you were timelier with this than the release of a new F-Zero game, Falcon."

"And in Kirby's case, a fully 3D platformer," added Hermione. "Seriously, even Mega Man had the balls of steel to give that a try, over a decade ago!"

"Oooooh, right for the heart, right out of the gate!" scoffed Captain Falcon, clutching his chest obnoxiously. "I guess the Kirbster and I will have to console ourselves with our far superior track record with critics. Need I remind you two that all the console games based on your movies sucked Kracko's lightning balls? Only the Quidditch and Lego games, and that one RPG on the Game Boy Color, were worth a half-eaten Maxim Tomato."

"Shouldn't the Kirby references be, I dunno, made by Kirby himself?" asked Ron. He looked down at the pudgy pink alien. "And is this little guy going to talk at all? Judging from all the hate _Metroid: Other M_ got, I'll bet Nintendo characters will be more scared than ever of getting their own dialogue."

"We got through the embarrassment that was the CD-I Zeldas, we'll live," said Kirby glibly. "Just like how you two got through the nuclear fallout of being revealed as a canon couple."

Hermione stared at Kirby as well. "Well, there you go, Ron. And best of all, he sounds nowhere near as disturbing as in _Sonic For Hire_."

"Say the teenagers who were in a _Robot Chicken_ skit about puberty," Falcon pointed out.

"Pile it on…PILE IT ON!" snapped Hermione. "Let it all out, how _Half-Blood Prince_ had a hormone injection and Ron and I broke the Internet in half and blah blah blah. It's been seven years, and if some fans _STILL _can't get over that, that's _THEIR_ problem. Besides, blossoming teen romance is a far sight better than some creepy thirty-something guy hanging out at his island base only to obnoxiously hit on women whenever he ventures out. Not to mention…" Hermione looked over in Kirby's direction. "No, no, no, I'm not going there. WAY too easy."

"Good move. Gay jokes just leave you wide open for counters regarding that fruity headmaster anyway," said Falcon.

"Plus, neither of us can be considered the Kitty Pryde of the new millennium, with an obscene amount of young, awkward boys idolizing us," said Kirby. "If there was a dollar for every time someone photoshopped a picture of Emma Watson, the United States could pay off its national debt."

Hermione was too disgusted to fire back, so Ron picked up the slack. "Speaking of gross income, that's expected when talented actors are cast in well-directed movies, of which we have eight. Which grossed nearly eight billion dollars. Have either of your series raked in that much gold?"

"Uhhh, Ron, Muggles don't typically use gold anymore," Hermione pointed out.

"Hermione, not helping," hissed Ron.

"Oh, we're well aware of your obscene popularity," said Kirby. "In fact, we're so aware, my anime has a whole episode dedicated to spoofing your first outing."

"Hmmmm, anime series? Doesn't ring any bells," said Hermione mockingly, pretending to be lost in thought. "Oh, it was another hack job of a localization by 4Kids, right? While the F-Zero anime had Captain Falcon as a creepy bartender or something."

"Because your film franchise is certainly never guilty of making alterations to the mythos, right?" asked Falcon. "Such as, oh I dunno, Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson dancing, meant as a bone tossed to those still pissed that Harry is boning Ron's sister instead?" Incensed, Ron drew his wand, eliciting a derisive snort from Falcon. "Ooooh, strike a nerve there, Ronnykins? I know it's horribly cliché to say it at this point, but…. _Show me ya moves_!"

"We've already proven we can handle video game shenanigans in the last two crossover stories, thank you very much," spat Ron. "So we definitely won't look out of place in a futuristic Metroid setting once _Fusion of Destinies III _arrives, unlike you two. Honestly, you two should thank your damn lucky stars that rumored Metroid/Star Fox game WAS a rumor, otherwise you'd look EVEN MORE out of place!"

"And to be frank, why did we have to face off with you to begin with?" added Hermione. "Rubbing elbows with Samus in _Super Smash Bros._ aside, you're not part of the Metroid universe. Hell, at least Kirby's actually FOUGHT Metroids _in his own game_. Never see you claiming bounties on Space Pirates…."

"Like you can talk, after sending a certain uber-Sue out to deal with the top Metroid villain," Kirby shot back.

"Well, that was, uh…." Ron began.

"That was uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, duhhhhhh," Falcon fired back mockingly.

"That's it. Wizard's duel, you and me, right now. Hermione's my second. Kirby's yours, right? Right. Let's go," said Ron, taking a step closer with his wand drawn.

But Hermione reached out and stopped him. "No Ron, I have a better idea. Why not best these arses at their own game?"

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The scene shifted to within Hogwarts, right next to one of the castle walls, where many platforms are conspicuously jutting out. There are four flashes of light, and Captain Falcon and Kirby appear on one platform, while Hermione and Ron appear on another. A disembodied announcer suddenly said, "Ready…. GO!"

Falcon immediately jumped toward their platform, coming down with a flaming Falcon Kick. Ron jumped out of the way, but Hermione was caught within the flames. Kirby followed up with a thousand-hand jab, pelting Hermione mercilessly, but Ron got him to back off with a diving kick, then a close-range Sectumsempra that was basically a forward-smash move. Kirby, being as light as he was, was knocked back a considerable distance. Meanwhile, Hermione was keeping Falcon at bay with a flurry of Stunners.

Suddenly, a Smash Ball appeared overhead, just as the flying Ford Anglia zoomed in, acting as an extra platform. Ron and Falcon both jumped onto it, hoping to use it to reach the Smash Ball. But the two kept each other preoccupied, and both the Ford Anglia and Smash Ball floated away, in opposite directions.

Kirby tried to float back over to deliver the blow that would give him a Final Smash, but Hermione beat him to it, jumping up and smashing it open with a close-range swipe of her wand. A pale aura surrounded her, and when Hermione landed, she raised her wand high and in a booming, echoing voice, screamed, "_AVIS_!" And then, "_OPPUGNO_!" And once, a flurry of crazed canaries flew from her wand tip and across the castle yard, passing by Ron harmlessly, but pelting Captain Falcon and Ron like Angry Birds on crack.

Then, without warning, Draco Malfoy jumped up to one of the lower platforms, still looking quite bemused. "FINALLY caught up with all of you. Just what the devil is…" Upon noticing that dozens of canaries were heading his way, Draco swiftly deflected their trajectory. Unfortunately, they were redirected at one of the towers, causing its support to crumble, and it began to topple. Right onto Draco.

The four would-be smashers stopped dead in their tracks, nervously staring down at the tower's wreckage. At length, Hermione awkwardly broke the silence. "OK, this could look a lot worse," she croaked.

Right on cue, Katniss Everdeen and Bella Swan jumped into view. Bella grappled with Katniss, about to overpower her with vampiric strength, but then they fell over, right atop the downed tower. Grisly, painful-sounding impact noises ensued.

Captain Falcon, Kirby, Ron and Hermione all glanced nervously at each other. Then they promptly bolted.

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Wow, that one took a while. Not much else to say, except that I stumbled upon some fanart done for the series. Check out the dedicated reader's profile page here:

Next time: the grand finale…Harry Potter and Samus Aran!

So long,

Grey-X


	7. Harry Potter and Samus Aran

Fusion of Destinies: A Fistful of Buttload

A completely unnecessary look back at a Harry Potter/Metroid crossover

Part 7: Harry Potter and Samus Aran

7-29-2012

By Grey-X

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter series and all of its characters are the creation and property of J. K. Rowling. Samus Aran and the Metroid series are the creation and property of Nintendo, and was originally masterminded by Gunpei Yokoi (1941-1997).

BEWARE!: Contains spoilers for _Fusion of Destinies_ and _Fusion of Destinies II: Day of Reckoning_! This is really just for folks who've read the series and want a good laugh.

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For the riveting conclusion of this assfest, this verbal joust doesn't take place within an empty white expanse of nothing, but one of Hogwarts's inner courtyards. In the courtyard stood both Harry Potter, in the garb of a junior Auror, and Samus Aran, in the basic, teal fusion suit, holding her helmet at her side. The sun was setting, and hardly any lingering rays filtered into the courtyard.

"Well, we knew it'd come to us eventually," said Harry tentatively, his anxious gaze sweeping the courtyard.

"I suppose we did," said Samus. "Although, I can't possibly fathom anyone would get something from watching _US_ argue. We've been through too much together to be vehement about it."

"Yeah, both of us were orphaned by bloodthirsty wankers with annoying immunities to dying," said Harry.

"And years later, we became protégés to father figures that were partly responsible for the death of a sibling, and everyone writes them off as manipulative assholes," added Samus.

"Much to our chagrin," said Harry. "And both of us are famous in our respective media for NOT solving everything with a head-on assault and brute force, but having to search carefully for answers."

"And we have to deal with being seen as beacons of hope even if we don't want to be," grumbled Samus. "That, and legions of idiot fanboys."

"True, very true," said Harry. "Of course, yours are far dumber."

"Yes, well…" Samus's face fell, her eyes widening. "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Well, it's not just the idiotic backlash to _Other M_. ALL of your games in the last decade had the most idiotic criticisms lobbed at them," explained Harry. "_Corruption_? Oh no, it's too much like a straightforward shooter now…even though you use a SHIP to travel back and forth between different PLANETS. _Echoes_? Oh no, multiplayer with ruin the series forever…even though it's an OPTIONAL EXTRA. _Prime_? Oh no, some American studio making it a first-person shooter can't POSSIBLY turn out for the best. _Fusion_? Oh no, the X parasites and Adam Malkovich totally ripped off the Flood and Cortana, even though work on it started well BEFORE _Halo_'s release. Really, need I go on?"

"At this point, simply bringing up the precise number of heads that exploded when it sunk in you wouldn't be nailing Hermione seems WAY too easy a comeback," said Samus aloofly. "So I'll throw in how _Order of the Phoenix_, despite showing your refreshing contempt for self-important authority figures and being responsible for your own training…had fans calling you a hotheaded dick."

"And it's way too easy for me to bring up all the whining and bitching about your little breakdown in front of Ridley," Harry shot back. "So I'll point out the irony of how gamers weighing in on _Other M_ shows the lingering sexism in the industry. _Final Fantasy VII_ was all about some bloke who built up a delusion about being a kick-butt soldier as a defense mechanism…and Cloud is STILL regarded as the epitome of awesomeness. You have a PTSD blankout for ONE MINUTE in front of Ridley…and somehow that ruins it for females in games forever."

"Well, you got me there, Harry. Your fanbase is far from sexist," said Samus smoothly. "In fact, your fans are so not sexist, the Harry Potter fanfic community is known for letting you and your closest male friends experience the wonders of childbirth."

"OK, I admit I got no comeback for that," said Harry. "Other than pointing out that Samus/Ridley fics, y'know, EXIST. As do people getting the wrong idea from your team-up with Pikachu…."

"True, it's quite annoying when fans draw conclusions when I'm not supposed to have a canon pairing," said Samus dismissively. "Then again, you have a different problem: people griping endlessly about YOUR canon pairing. If you had a galleon for every fic written to 'fix' how you wound up with Ginny, you could pay off the United States' national debt!"

"Then let's go back to non-canon crossover pairing for a moment," said Harry quickly. "Bother to rearrange George's face for stealing a kiss yet?"

"He's STILL grieving over losing Fred!" scoffed Samus. "I can't…."

"Uhhhh, _Fusion of Destinies II _was BEFORE _Deathly Hallows_, remember?" Harry pointed out.

"Well, if you must know, I'd rather rearrange the faces of the people who wanted to see a pairing between _US _instead," spat Samus. "Yet another example of…."

"Of…what?" demanded Harry.

"Of fans just out to see someone cater to their whims, and demanding it of an author who, despite some mistakes, made an effort to understand what the two of us do and what we're about," said Samus. Turning to look at Harry apologetically, she said, "Look, it's easy to obsess over how some of our fans demand our franchises go in a certain direction, or have some weird reaction to something our creators thought was minor and inconsequential. But if we do that, we may lose sight of those fans who genuinely love us. and got involved in the fan community, for the right reasons."

"I guess you're right, Samus," said Harry. "And let's not forget, we've still got one more misadventure together, courtesy of this Grey-X guy. We'll have to pull together and…." Harry stopped suddenly, looking around with a nervous expression. "And some of our old friends know it too. My gut's telling me their watching us, hoping to figure out what'll divide us."

"Harry, please, this is HOGWARTS. Voldemort and the others can't slip in so easily," Samus laughed. Harry mostly ignored her, still anxiously looking around the courtyard, until his gaze locked onto something. Samus didn't seem to notice. "Besides, if they're here, where are they watching us from?"

Harry then turned and glared at Samus quizzically for a moment. Then, without turning his head, Harry slashed his wand through the air, conjuring up a gust of wind. Suddenly, a huge slab of cardboard with a brick pattern painted on it fell down, revealing an archway that all the villains were gathered under. Ridley had to crouch uncomfortably, and Mother Brain, Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange and Valkyrie all stood around him. The SA-X was there too, but wearing Samus's black two-piece from _Super Metroid_; she squatted as she played _Dr. Mario_ on the original Game Boy model while sipping Mountain Dew from a beer hat.

Harry and Samus just stared back with sharp looks as the uninvited guests looked back guiltily from across the courtyard. For a moment, there was silence. Then, all of a sudden, Ron and Hermione ran up, the latter dragging a shaken, battered-looking Draco behind her. "Harry, bad news! Draco let it slip that he overheard how all our enemies planned to hide out here in Hogwarts, and…." Hermione's voiced trailed off when she noticed the six intruders in the archway. "Aw, motherf[TRUCK HORN]…"

"I just like to point out I'm the only one of the so-called Golden Trio that hasn't uttered a swear word for this whole fic," Ron said delicately. "Just, just putting that out there."

"Yah hah hah, there's room for only one viral scourge in the Nintendo universe, motherf[TRUCK HORN]s, and…" the SA-X began, but she suddenly looked up, her carefree gaze taking everything in. "Oh, are we doing villain stuff now?"

"Honestly, the author wanted to prop _HER _up as the ultimate manifestation of my dark side?" Samus spat.

"Save it, Samus. Right now, I can't decide what's more insulting: them thinking that after _six years_ of school here, I somehow wouldn't notice a missing archway…or that our worst enemies put ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT into concealing themselves," fumed Harry.

"Hey, not our fault Ridley's mammoth keister was too damn big to put a Disillusionment Charm on," said Valkyrie sweetly.

"Oh please, Asara, you're the_ VALKYRIE_. The whole point of your existence was that there's somehow a witch who could challenge my master head-on!" shrieked Bellatrix. "You could whip up gigantic bacteria colonies from nowhere, yet somehow Disillusioning this ugly excuse for a dragon was beyond you?"

Mother Brain gave Bellatrix a quick smack upside the head. "Watch how you talk about the Space Pirates' most resilient warrior in my presence, Lestrange," she said dangerously.

"If by 'resilient', you mean 'gets put back together no matter how many missiles Aran shoves up his arse', I guess I can't argue with you," Bellatrix jeered.

Her face becoming a hideous scowl, Mother Brain opened her mouth, spewing waves of destructive energy like her _Super Metroid_ counterpart. However, Bellatrix cast a Shield Charm, and they were deflected…right at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie was slammed painfully into a wall. After she slid down, she calmly stood up, brushed off some debris, looked back over to Mother Brain and Bellatrix, and said, "Very well, you two are dead." Valkyrie flew right at them, tackling both to the ground. A dust cloud was kicked up, and occasionally an arm or a leg or someone's head poked out for a split-second. Also, a spell or weapon blast that missed would sometimes lance out, punctuating the din from their scuffle.

"Woo-hoo! Four-way bitch-ass throwdown!" cried the SA-X happily. She backflipped into the melee, and suddenly the dust cloud seemed to glide out of the courtyard like a dementor, taking the four madwomen with it.

Everyone else just stared in disbelief as they drifted away. "I…can't think of anything scything to say that won't make me look horribly sexist," said Draco.

"I can't think of anything to say that won't make me look ungodly perverted," added Ron.

Draco just stared at Ron for a moment. "You're alright, Weasley…."

"In any case, it's always nice when your enemies defeat themselves for you," said Harry. "Now we can all just…."

"Not so fast, Potter! You and I have unfinished business!" said Voldemort coldly, having moved in behind him without anyone noticing.

Sighing, Harry rolled his eyes and turned around. "Really, you want to go there again?" Harry taunted. "Every time you think you got the upper hand, things kinda go screwy for you."

"Do not presume to threaten me, boy," snapped Voldemort. "With no Elder Wand, and your phoenix wand held uselessly at your side, I can strike you down in an eyeblink. You never mastered Occlumency, and I can easily see whatever pitiful plans you…."

Harry cut Voldemort off with a forward snap kick to his groin. "Except that," said Harry smoothly as the Dark Lord crumpled to the ground, clutching his balls.

"Wow. Always wondered if that would work," said Hermione.

"But…how come Voldemort didn't see it coming?" asked Ron.

"Same reason Snape kept his motives a secret. He was motivated by love, and Voldemort, having no interest in love, never cared much for sensations pertaining to his nether region," explained Harry.

"Nicely played, Potter. You WOULD'VE made a good Slytherin," said Draco, sounding impressed.

"Such tactics will do no good against ME!" snarled Ridley. He landed in front of the four teenage wizards, nearly making them lose their footing.

"Everyone, take it easy. I got this," said Samus calmly as she walked past them and up to Ridley.

"So, Samus Aran, shall we begin?" Ridley dared.

"What, what Bellatrix pointed out, about how I'll inevitably blast you clear across the castle walls?" Samus fired back. "Nah, I have something different in mind for today. As Harry's always fond of telling me, one should accept a little help from friends." Samus turned to Harry and said, "Harry, repeat what I'm about to say verbatim: Kreacher, have the house-elves execute Order 989."

Harry hesitated for a moment, then nervously said, "Uhhh…Kreacher, have the house-elves execute Order 989."

Before anyone could blink, scores of house-elves Apparated around Ridley and wasted no time piling onto him like Pikmin on crack. Ridley's screams of pain were drowned out by the battle cries of the house-elves. Some hacked away at Ridley's hide with knives and cleavers, while others blasted him with magic at point-blank range. Ridley was powerless to shake them off, and eventually he slumped into unconsciousness. Once again emulating Pikmin, the house-elves banded together to lift the dreaded Space Pirate up, and slowly carried him out of the courtyard.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Draco just watched Ridley get hauled away. "As you all know, I typically resent house-elves being used like this, but I think I'll let it slide this time," said Hermione.

"Wow, all our worst enemies, flattened in less than five minutes," said Ron. "Even after that…wanna bet Grey-X will still drag out our final story together for another fifty chapters?"

"I've got five galleons on sixty chapters," said Draco. "By the way, wasn't my old house-elf supposed to be in that lot?"

"Uhhh, your aunt killed him, remember?" spat Hermione. "And the scope of this stupid fic didn't allow for Dobby to be resurrected for no apparent reason."

"Oh. Awkward," said Draco quickly. "Wow, working with you lot is going to be a lot more awkward than I thought."

"Ahhh, you'll get the hang of not being an insensitive jerk one day," said Harry.

"In the meantime, what are we supposed to do with ourselves?" asked Ron. "We've got a while before the author wraps up our trilogy, let alone Samus getting another game."

"Well, Hogsmeade is supposed to be back to its former glory. Let's go get something to eat," suggested Samus. Her four young companions shrugged their shoulders, and followed Samus out of the courtyard.

"Yeah, this could be fun, Aran," said Draco. "Maybe we'll see these atrocious table manners of yours that're always hinted at, but Grey-X never lets the reader see…."

"MALFOY!" cried Harry, Ron and Hermione in unison.

"Kidding…." muttered Draco dejectedly.

And with that, this insipid comedy tour is at an end, and our beloved heroes can rest easy. Oh, and Draco too. But with six of their most nefarious enemies still so near, must they be fearful?

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The four villainesses' pointless scuffle carried them all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. The dust cloud lingering around them so badly, they had no idea they were dangerously close to the edge…until the four of them fell right over. Their screams echoed throughout the grounds, until they went splat in the courtyard below.

"Thanks you so much, ladies," grumbled Valkyrie, who was pinned underneath the SA-X, Mother Brain and Bellatrix Lestrange, and all of them were in the middle of a nasty crater.

"What are you complaining about? You flew at US and started this!" huffed Bellatrix.

"Emphasis on how you could've FLOWN a few seconds ago," added Mother Brain.

Silence fell over the courtyard for a moment, until Valkyrie screamed something that was censored by a blaring truck horn.

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Back in the courtyard this whole mess started in, Voldemort was still curled up in a fetal position. "Uhhhhh, my balls…."

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Outside the grounds, the house-elves had chained up Ridley, leaving him under the supervision of Rubeus Hagrid. And standing beside him were Bella Swan and Katniss Everdeen, sporting multiple casts and bandages. Plus, their faces left little doubt that Madam Pomfrey forced them to down ungodly amounts of Skele-Gro.

"An' as ye can see here, ladies, the house-elves've brough' me a little gift," said Hagrid. "I always wanted me a dragon, but ne'er did I imagine I'd get a chance ta see an ALIEN dragon!"

Ridley just thrashed about violently, and whatever he said, it was censored by truck horns. No doubt the ladies found it offensive, since Bella kicked a nearby tree stump, uprooting it. It wound up impaled on Ridley's beak.

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Nah.

**THE END, MOTHERF[****TRUCK HORN****]RS**


End file.
